It was a week ago, 3rd March 2012, when I was allowed to pay a visit to the vet where Hayley was treated. All these while, I sometimes cried out loud, I sometimes cried silently and sometimes, I even have no tears to drop. Never in my life I feel such pain when seeing Hayley undergone seizure... When she was sent to the vet, I could imagine her left abandon in a cage and being isolated; people around me would comfort me by saying things might not be the way I pictured. Indeed, I felt slightly better when I heard those comfy words but deep inside, I trust no one... No one would take good care of Hayley as we take care of her.. Regardless how professional they promised the vet could be.. Reality is still reality and it is no way near the scenes shown in drama series... And yes, my imagination was right... When my dear and I went through the troubles in finding the clinic, what appeared in our eyes was a stray looking pup, dirty, not energetic at all and discharge was all over the eyes... Jesus Christ, it was not the same Hayley I sent to the pet shop weeks ago... She can barely walk.. All she could react when she saw us was to struggle to stand up and used her very limited energy to wag her tail... My poor girl.. How could I still have the heart to let you undergo the treatment again?

Entered the consultation room, the vet explained her situation to us saying that if it was distemper that attacked her, she would have died within 20 days but she has already exceeded the critical period so would not be distemper attack. Still, she is having slight cough.. Seeing her condition, I felt so painful as she was not in a healthy condition at all.. That triggered me so much until my dear asked the vet whether we could take her home and take care of her by ourself. The vet immediately agreed and all my pain turned to joy!

We took her to our vet and the vet said she was very weak... She prescribed some medicine and said hope her immune system would win the war... Yes, I do pray the same too. Immediately when we reached home, I gave Hayley a deep wash and she was still weak but as soon as I dried her, she started to be playful. She even responded when we called her name! She still know her name!! After cleaning her, I then prepared food for her and she ate like never been eating before... Poor Hayley... After her meal, she regained her energy and started to play around, biting our hands to ease her gum itchiness and chasing Hugo for his tail. That;s the Hayley I wanted to see.

Today, 10th March, she is finally healthy enough to be vaccinated! And her body temperature is absolutely normal! I do not know how long she can fight for her disease. All I know is, as long as she  never give up, neither will I... That is the promise I could made for her.

[Pictures will be uploaded soon]

Great News of the Day!!!

It was just an hour ago when I received a call from Mr. O saying that Hayley is behaving normal and was quite active (eat, jump, bark, play etc. as usual when she was here at home). He said he was in touch with the Vet and the Vet explained that she was still having 'mild cough'. To be truth, I never ever seen a coughing dog in my whole life! That sounds strange to me. According to the Vet, he needs another one more week to observe Hayley. If there is nothing much, she would be home by this weekend!

Thank's every single one that gave Hayley strength and prayed for her! With all of your cares, she will be home this weekend. looking forward for this very moment.

Hayley girl is coming back home!! Hohohoo!

Deepest gratitude!

Deepest Gratitude

The me today is much much better than the past few days. Is is because of the sayings 'time heals everything' true or the people who has been supporting me day to day to uphold my strength play the magic in my mood change? If were to based on how I feel, I believe it is more persuasive to say the support that I get constantly is the only power to hold me firmly from the first day I collapsed until the me today who is able to stand on my own, to face the truth and to live my days without tears.

People that I appreciate the most is the person that means the whole world to me. He was the one that gave me strength, gave me hope, gave me love and to cry with me whenever I struck terribly by the bitterly pain feelings. He told me to trust Him and not to doubt His plan for us that confort me so much! Hand hold hand we passed each and every hard feelings I have had. Deepest gratitude for this person.

When I down with tears, the second person I contacted was my aunt who was being very patient to me and being there every moment I cried my lungs out.. She was there to fight for the right I supposed to deserve but sometimes, no matter how the party involved would like to repay in any manner, I do have to admit that the broken heart that smashed into pieces would not be as perfect and as shiny as it was. The cracks have imprinted and the marks is forever be seen.

Whole-heartedly, I would like to thank the pretty vet, Dr Goh, for suspecting the dreadful disease on our first visit for Hayley's body check up so soon and shared so much about distemper with us. That was how we aware of this disease. That was her to diagnosed Hayley with the disease so we could send her immediately to Dr K for his intensive care. It was her that I wanted to say thousands of thanks for Hayley to survive until this very moment. I teared when she said hope to see Hayley again for vaccination. God certainly has His plan. All we can do is just to wait for His plan to work out.

To the very experienced family vet that we have, Dr. Peter and wife, thank's for the urgencies made to send Hayley back to the pet shop. Again, thank's for telling me not to be too attached to any living things as things will go wrong anytime. I believe it is because I am overly attached that causes the pain I have suffered for days! I learned a lesson, it depends very much on how my heart attach in dealing with al my existing pets as well as the future pets.

My brother, Juen and my future sister-in-law, thank you for advising me to let go the imperfect one and look forward for a healthy one. Your words are very true but my heart, I still can't let go... If she is healed, even if she has permanent nervous problem or blind, I will take care of her fot the rest of her life. Hayley, you do not have to worry about your future days, just fight over the disease and come back. Mama is very glad to hear that you have started to eat yesterday! On your own some more! Please come back, Hayley.

Last but not least, Sophie, my half sister, your words indeed made me feel better. I really hope Hayley can feel my love for her and I will not forsake her as long as she lives. I want her to be the luckiest recovered baby!

I am still thinking whether to visit her this weekend or not... Would she be happy when she sees me and feels me? But when I am leaving, would she feels that I am leaving her? Which is better to do? Go or not to go? Still thinking...

Hayley...

Last week when I came back from class, All I could hear is both Hugo and Hayley barking impatiently awaiting me to unlock the house door and the cage. She would warn me to release her and circulate me wanted me to pamper her. But today, the feeling was so different when I stepped into the house... All I could hear was Hugo's bark asking for attention. I am glad that Hugo is still energetic here! What struck me was there is no more Hayley's smell as well as Hayley's noise... She was a female pup and since she could not bathe for a week in new environment, so I refer the smell as kiap kiap smell. I was so addicted to the smell and I love her smell! Every time I think about her, I could see the pictures of she is caged alone, quarantined and isolated... Dr wouldn't be so good and kind to pay full attention on her... What if her seizure start again? Who is going to take care of her? Who is going to massage for her? Every time when I consider this issue, I wanted so much to bring her back. Even if she couldn't survive the disease, at least I want her to continue to feel the love we give until she takes in her last breath.. At the same time, I do know very well that I can't provide her the professional care she needs.. When does she need to pump in with what kind of medicine in different situation to release her pain? All these things are the things that I do not know... All I worry is, the pet shop Dr might overdose her just wanting her to recover... Should I quit my classes to volunteer working in the pet clinic to take care of her? This is the only way to see her daily... Argh! Very contradict!!!

Miss you, miss you, miss you!!!!!

Hayley wanted to escape from the cage!

Second day without Hayley...

How is she doing? Anyone calls her Hayley? Anyone knows she doesn't like to be caged? Anyone plays with her? Anyone pamper her the way we do??

Made a call to the person in charge and he said Hayley is doing good. Able to walk, able to run, able to play and able to bark. Just that she refuses to eat. She is now under intensive care by a vet and I hope she is really treated well. Or else, I wouldn't have mind to take her back to pamper her like a princess again.. Just that, I can't provide her the professional care that she needs.. This is the very first time I get to know about distemper... The dreadful disease that ruin my days as well!

Does she ever remember us? Hayley, we miss you terribly so! I wonder if Hayley is as good as the person in charge described or he is just hiding the truth from me.. Deep inside, of course I want Hayley to fight the disease and come back home!

Mama is waiting for you to come home. Be strong Hayley!

Playful Hayley

It was just a day before she had seizure.

Hayley fighting piggy!

♥...Short but Sweet...♥

Nothing Last Forever, how much do you agree with it? As for me, I agree 101%.

It is 11pm right not and I am having terrible sore eyes and headache... It was just last Saturday, exactly 7 days ago, exactly at this time, when we brought back a two-and-a-half-month baby Shih Tzu from a pet shops in K.L. Although her look is not as outstanding as any other of my Shih Tzu, but she is extremely adorable. Her big round eyes, fluffy fur and her lazily moves made her looked so adorable!

This is her.

Her mini teeth!

See the way she sleeps!! Aiyai!

Her favourite toy!

The very second day, she was still very active playing around, chasing Hugo, enjoying her food and all. I just could stop keeping my eyes at her playing with the toys nor keeping my hand touching her fluffy fur. Just then, we noticed she had watery diarrhea... Without second thought, we sent her to our family vet thought of examine what is wrong with her. Sadly, the vet was still in his CNY break and will reopen the week after. Nothing we could do, we called up our frequently visited pet shop and the owner recommended us a vet and we then bought her there. And wow, she had fever, 40.3°C... The vet too diagnosed that she either had common flu or the killing disease called distemper... Without worrying much, we just continued with the medicine prescribed.

This is the first, perhaps the only time, I took bath for her.. Very memorable...

Before bathe!

Half wet!

She recovered quite well and there passed those happy moment spent with her. Until yesterday morning when we noticed that she started to cough and had slight fever, we then decided to take her to our family vet. The vet concerned her situation and worried for her cramp she had in the morning. He said after taking the medication he gave and if there is no second attack, she will be okay. Back at home, we painfully saw her suffering from cramp for three to four times... The little baby was suffering from that pain and it certainly made us feeling hurt as well... We then brought her back to the vet again for a distemper test and the result it positive... How could it be? She is so adorable! Why want to take her life away just like that especially after she has just got the feeling of home! The coziness as well as love? It is just not fair... Sadly, there is no medicine that can sure this disease... The only way she can survive is depending very much on her immune system and determination... We're going to pray for her each and every day until she recovers.

Now, she is sent back to the pet shop and what we can do is to wait for their vet to do the rest. All I hope is to receive a call from them saying that her condition is improving.. I don't want their money back, I just want my Hayley to come back safe and be with us happily forever.

How are you Hayley? Are you feeling alone right now? Is there no one accompany you and you are locked alone in the cage? Mama and Papa miss you so much. Stay strong and come back to us! We love you very much..

Appreciated Love

It was 4 years, 1 month and 2 days, including today, ago I met a very unique, special and reliable man. Undeniably, these 1494 days we spent together were the best moment I have ever had in my life. His existence proves me wrong that such caring creature is still living on this world that filled with cheat, betrayal and cruelty! I do have to agree that He is really doing a great job here! Frankly, every moment we spend together passes as fact as lightnings but days without him, I could even hear the time ticktocking and feel the heartache from the deepest layer of my heart... It was like a wounded crawling tortoise trying to reach its destination...

Indeed, God has done a really good arrangement for us throughout these days and it's the best present I have ever had in my life! Just that, nothing is perfect in this world... Don't you agree? When something good is given to you, at the same time, there are other things that would be taken away~ Regardless how perfect this relationship is, I do face some uncontrollable issues that affect this relationship bit by bit... The full heart shape is then slowly pared... You might be asking, if he is so good, how could the love being affected? Well, I can assure you that there is nothing to do with him. He gave me the best that he could give and I am proud to have him once in my life. Although love brings two person happiness, tust that, true love does not involve only the two very person.. It affects not only that two persons but more. Don't you agree with it? It also involves surrounding people that you care about too. If it is the case, how can this love proceed? To retain this relationship will only hurt any party that involved and regardless which party, he will be the only person who will be victimised... That is the least thing I want it to happen.

I was advised don't be bothered by things that beyond my control. Maybe you would think I am so stupid to be affected as well... But what to do? Perhaps, when you put yourself into my shoes, it might be impossible for you to go through these thousand days... You might even fall at the very beginning...

The only thing I can protect this love is to place this precious feeling at the safest corner of my heart.. Maybe, my whole heart do not even have enough space to fit in this overflowing love.. but I truly appreciate this special man who walked into my life. Truly appreciate~

The Fifth day without Him

The fifth day without him? Hmm, can't feel anything. Too busy to make myself happy though the day did not go as perfect as planned but I am still glad that I managed to meet up my besties! ♥

My Forth Day without Him

What a tiring yet contented day! Hung up with my brother, sister and cousin in the city from Time Square to Lot 10 to Sungai Wang to Pavilion! Everyone included aunt did not expect me to go out and spend my time hanging around. Why? Because, all these years, I have been spending most my CNY hiding in the room struggling.

Well, how was it like to live my forth day without him? Well, I keep telling myself, I am okay to live without him. And yes, I did it. For those who think I can't live without him, I DID IT! But the fact is, if my heart don't even bother about his existence, I won't even started a post a day before I sleep with the title of "My xx Days without Him". Perhaps, I do miss him dearly from the bottom of my heart just that it is just too painful to endure the pain again and again. Numbness is all I can feel. Every time I have recovered from my heartache, there will be another one coming, very soon. How many more times do I have to stand? I am not the same as anyone out there, I do not like doing things on my own yet underground. Do not analyse logically as theory and practical work not exactly the same. Many things can be done to make things better but instead of better choices, things happen the other way round. Enough.. It's enough.. I think I have had enough. I should not facing this alone.

Please, do not judge my feelings if you failed to experience whatever I am undergoing. He belongs to there, not here.

My Third Day without Him

How was my third day, also the first day of CNY, without him would be like? No tear, no sadness, no hard feelings, nothing. He would be enjoying himself there without even really care how my day would be like. Well, maybe not even thinking at all.

Woke up early in the morning and got ready myself to visit my first Aunt in Batu Arang. It's

our routine to be there every first day of CNY. This is the only day I can meet many of my relatives that I hard to meet. This year, however, there were more members dropping by. Happy to see them. The most unexpected person to see was my cousin sister, Wendy. I haven't been talking to her for a long time even though we met sometimes for some family occasion. She brought over her second baby, Brayden. I didn't got a chance to play with him as he was such a spotlight and everyone was busy carrying and tickling him. I had a nice chat with my couzie, Connie, though. It's really hard for us to have such nice chat.

Later on, we went to visit the welfare home we used to visit yearly. This time, auntie and cousins joined us as well. It's nice to have so many of us to help up the people in need. Feeling good. ^^

To my surprise, Wendy was already at father's house when I reached there. And yes, the 8 months old baby Brayden was there!!! Ahah, I can play with him as much as I want now~ No one would fight with me to play with him ^^. He is such an adorable boy! He can get along well with anybody and he always wears his cute smile on his face. What a little baby pistachio!! The good time taking care of him somehow triggered me to proceed with my plan. ^^

Happy with the day!!!

p/s: I think I have put on weight already...

The Second Day without Him

Again, I survived another day without him by my side. Slowly, I'm getting used of it. Good or bad? Hard to say. Good in the sense of I at least can live on my own independently~ And it also implies that I can have my dream come true on my own without relying on any party^^ Bad in the sense of, the exclusion all these while has slowly draw me apart from committing so much into a relationship. Perhaps, it is really true that no one really appreciate. Might as well I make my name recognised? Maybe it is a better choice for now.

Entering the third day, but no problem for me. Last night was a different night compared to any other nights I have ever had. Someone I truly used to be so close to dropped by around 9pm and we stayed awake up till 5am in the morning and we had merely 4 hours of sleep before we hung up in a mall. Not a bad day, managed to get myself a dress. Initially, I didn't want to get anything new for this new year. No new clothes, no new shoes, no new hair style, no new look and basically, nothing new with the reason that I want to retain whatever good things I have in the past year. My everyday is to be appreciated, I do not want to change for what I really have faith in doing. Why change? However, as to reward my achievement in not tear dropping this time, I feel it is indeed a good accomplishment, I credited myself a new dress! At this very moment, all I believe is that the moment I believe in Him, I am rescued; the moment I let go the bond, I am comforted.

Tomorrow is going to be another great day! No doubt about it! If other can do this, why can't I? Going to have great time gather with my relatives and the feelings is way better than the feelings of forsaken and abandoned. Four years of suffering CNY I have had and this time, I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest! I deserve to be a happier person, I told myself.

The First Day without Him

Wow, Chinese New Year is getting nearer and nearer! Sadly, we do not have a chance to experience the moment we do some New Year shopping together. Starting by me rushing for my assignments, then two weeks of exam followed by he was away last week... I still could not feel how is the feelings of celebrating Chinese New Year together with him. And it is already the fifth CNY.

Excluded those days when we studied in University, this is the longest period we stay apart. We will have to stay apart for 6 continuous days! Wow, that's really long isn't it? But no problem, I can get through it. I got through the first day, so do the other five days.

How my first day without him would be like?? Not as bad as I thought although I do have some ill feelings on and off. But still I made it through the day!

Without me even noticing, the sun has already set. Thank God that I at least have my student to occupy my time so I don't feel the slow motion of the time tickling. My day so far can be considered fulfilling as I have been working, working and working.

It's only 8pm plus, another few hours before I hit my bed.. What would be the next thing I do? I wonder~

Spineless Jelly

Happy Chinese New Year?

Chinese New Year 2012

Finally, Chinese New Year 2012 is just around the corner... To be precise, it is just three days away!

While everyone is looking forward for the arrival of this special festive, I am looking forward for it to past as quickly as possible... Never in my life I appreciate Chinese New Year as any one in the world appreciating... Neither do I enjoy this festive like anyone else enjoying.

Chinese New Year always a torturing festive for me where I could not have the peace and quiet soul I used to enjoy. My emotions will go wild and disturbed, my days and nights will be hay wired. Most ironically, I will be secluded and forsaken in a place that not to be seen, not to be heard and not to be feel. This is a festive that I used to doubt on my existence. A festive that I used to hide my inner feelings the most. A festive with lots of lies to be told. A festive that I am not me with the fake mask, fake smile, fake expression...

Well, life is as such. Nothing is as perfect as one wants it. Who am I to blame? Who am I to ask for more? Who am I to voice my sorrows? Why so many who am I? Because, I am no one in this world but someone to Him.

I am here to give thank to my dearest Abba Father, who is the one and only one who survived me all these forsaken and unrecognised days! I do not need to be afraid since the day he brought me to this world for a reason.

I LOVE YOU THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

Looking back my posts, I was shocked that I haven't been blogging for the entire year 2011! Times really fly huh! In a blink of eyes, I have already completed with the course work of my Masters Degree programme, which indirectly telling me that, I am getting another year older... Sigh... Thinking back, coursework ain't that tough if I were to campare it to the forthcoming dissertation... It's gonna be real tough... Well, since I am just done with my exam merely four days ago, I seriously do think that I deserve a break. At least two weeks break, maybe?

Tried to access to some bloggers' posts and I was impressed by the travelling, food, books' blogs etc. they frequently updated but looking at my own blog... Well, "what a shame" is the only words I can utter... People are living their life to the blast and have their feet printed at every corner of the world while as me, just having an ordinary life here, working a job that no body appreciate and all my hard work are not recognised and appreciated. Just because I want to ensure the future that I hope for.

Paid a visit to my used-to-be-closed-friend's father's veterinary clinic to send my boy for skin allergy treatment. Spoken to her mom and we had a casual talk.. After understand my situation, she encouraged me to go further and get my work recognised. She gave me a very good piece of advise of what I should do next. Although I do have my commitment as well as my dream future, but why do I have to commit so much by now? Who do I committed for? Basically, nobody~ People have yet to be existed... I should be going out there to explore. The job that I am doing, won't even appreciated by anyone, even those you are sacrificing for. Yes, Auntie, although I do have my planned future that came to agreement, but, never my hard work and sacrifices are being appreciated. Thinking back, why do I have to pay so much effort to do things that people won't appreciate and why not I go out and take a risk to contribute to the field I am in? Why do I underestimate myself? There is nothing fair and square. I should be selfish a bit to think for myself. That is my future, very own future that no one will basically care for. The future that will be appreciated. The future that I live with my pride and dignity at least but not the current me, living to please others and to be a abductor or thief or robber or whatsoever.