Appreciated Love

It was 4 years, 1 month and 2 days, including today, ago I met a very unique, special and reliable man. Undeniably, these 1494 days we spent together were the best moment I have ever had in my life. His existence proves me wrong that such caring creature is still living on this world that filled with cheat, betrayal and cruelty! I do have to agree that He is really doing a great job here! Frankly, every moment we spend together passes as fact as lightnings but days without him, I could even hear the time ticktocking and feel the heartache from the deepest layer of my heart... It was like a wounded crawling tortoise trying to reach its destination...

Indeed, God has done a really good arrangement for us throughout these days and it's the best present I have ever had in my life! Just that, nothing is perfect in this world... Don't you agree? When something good is given to you, at the same time, there are other things that would be taken away~ Regardless how perfect this relationship is, I do face some uncontrollable issues that affect this relationship bit by bit... The full heart shape is then slowly pared... You might be asking, if he is so good, how could the love being affected? Well, I can assure you that there is nothing to do with him. He gave me the best that he could give and I am proud to have him once in my life. Although love brings two person happiness, tust that, true love does not involve only the two very person.. It affects not only that two persons but more. Don't you agree with it? It also involves surrounding people that you care about too. If it is the case, how can this love proceed? To retain this relationship will only hurt any party that involved and regardless which party, he will be the only person who will be victimised... That is the least thing I want it to happen.

I was advised don't be bothered by things that beyond my control. Maybe you would think I am so stupid to be affected as well... But what to do? Perhaps, when you put yourself into my shoes, it might be impossible for you to go through these thousand days... You might even fall at the very beginning...

The only thing I can protect this love is to place this precious feeling at the safest corner of my heart.. Maybe, my whole heart do not even have enough space to fit in this overflowing love.. but I truly appreciate this special man who walked into my life. Truly appreciate~

The Fifth day without Him

The fifth day without him? Hmm, can't feel anything. Too busy to make myself happy though the day did not go as perfect as planned but I am still glad that I managed to meet up my besties! ♥

My Forth Day without Him

What a tiring yet contented day! Hung up with my brother, sister and cousin in the city from Time Square to Lot 10 to Sungai Wang to Pavilion! Everyone included aunt did not expect me to go out and spend my time hanging around. Why? Because, all these years, I have been spending most my CNY hiding in the room struggling.

Well, how was it like to live my forth day without him? Well, I keep telling myself, I am okay to live without him. And yes, I did it. For those who think I can't live without him, I DID IT! But the fact is, if my heart don't even bother about his existence, I won't even started a post a day before I sleep with the title of "My xx Days without Him". Perhaps, I do miss him dearly from the bottom of my heart just that it is just too painful to endure the pain again and again. Numbness is all I can feel. Every time I have recovered from my heartache, there will be another one coming, very soon. How many more times do I have to stand? I am not the same as anyone out there, I do not like doing things on my own yet underground. Do not analyse logically as theory and practical work not exactly the same. Many things can be done to make things better but instead of better choices, things happen the other way round. Enough.. It's enough.. I think I have had enough. I should not facing this alone.

Please, do not judge my feelings if you failed to experience whatever I am undergoing. He belongs to there, not here.

My Third Day without Him

How was my third day, also the first day of CNY, without him would be like? No tear, no sadness, no hard feelings, nothing. He would be enjoying himself there without even really care how my day would be like. Well, maybe not even thinking at all.

Woke up early in the morning and got ready myself to visit my first Aunt in Batu Arang. It's

our routine to be there every first day of CNY. This is the only day I can meet many of my relatives that I hard to meet. This year, however, there were more members dropping by. Happy to see them. The most unexpected person to see was my cousin sister, Wendy. I haven't been talking to her for a long time even though we met sometimes for some family occasion. She brought over her second baby, Brayden. I didn't got a chance to play with him as he was such a spotlight and everyone was busy carrying and tickling him. I had a nice chat with my couzie, Connie, though. It's really hard for us to have such nice chat.

Later on, we went to visit the welfare home we used to visit yearly. This time, auntie and cousins joined us as well. It's nice to have so many of us to help up the people in need. Feeling good. ^^

To my surprise, Wendy was already at father's house when I reached there. And yes, the 8 months old baby Brayden was there!!! Ahah, I can play with him as much as I want now~ No one would fight with me to play with him ^^. He is such an adorable boy! He can get along well with anybody and he always wears his cute smile on his face. What a little baby pistachio!! The good time taking care of him somehow triggered me to proceed with my plan. ^^

Happy with the day!!!

p/s: I think I have put on weight already...

The Second Day without Him

Again, I survived another day without him by my side. Slowly, I'm getting used of it. Good or bad? Hard to say. Good in the sense of I at least can live on my own independently~ And it also implies that I can have my dream come true on my own without relying on any party^^ Bad in the sense of, the exclusion all these while has slowly draw me apart from committing so much into a relationship. Perhaps, it is really true that no one really appreciate. Might as well I make my name recognised? Maybe it is a better choice for now.

Entering the third day, but no problem for me. Last night was a different night compared to any other nights I have ever had. Someone I truly used to be so close to dropped by around 9pm and we stayed awake up till 5am in the morning and we had merely 4 hours of sleep before we hung up in a mall. Not a bad day, managed to get myself a dress. Initially, I didn't want to get anything new for this new year. No new clothes, no new shoes, no new hair style, no new look and basically, nothing new with the reason that I want to retain whatever good things I have in the past year. My everyday is to be appreciated, I do not want to change for what I really have faith in doing. Why change? However, as to reward my achievement in not tear dropping this time, I feel it is indeed a good accomplishment, I credited myself a new dress! At this very moment, all I believe is that the moment I believe in Him, I am rescued; the moment I let go the bond, I am comforted.

Tomorrow is going to be another great day! No doubt about it! If other can do this, why can't I? Going to have great time gather with my relatives and the feelings is way better than the feelings of forsaken and abandoned. Four years of suffering CNY I have had and this time, I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest! I deserve to be a happier person, I told myself.

The First Day without Him

Wow, Chinese New Year is getting nearer and nearer! Sadly, we do not have a chance to experience the moment we do some New Year shopping together. Starting by me rushing for my assignments, then two weeks of exam followed by he was away last week... I still could not feel how is the feelings of celebrating Chinese New Year together with him. And it is already the fifth CNY.

Excluded those days when we studied in University, this is the longest period we stay apart. We will have to stay apart for 6 continuous days! Wow, that's really long isn't it? But no problem, I can get through it. I got through the first day, so do the other five days.

How my first day without him would be like?? Not as bad as I thought although I do have some ill feelings on and off. But still I made it through the day!

Without me even noticing, the sun has already set. Thank God that I at least have my student to occupy my time so I don't feel the slow motion of the time tickling. My day so far can be considered fulfilling as I have been working, working and working.

It's only 8pm plus, another few hours before I hit my bed.. What would be the next thing I do? I wonder~

Spineless Jelly

Happy Chinese New Year?

Chinese New Year 2012

Finally, Chinese New Year 2012 is just around the corner... To be precise, it is just three days away!

While everyone is looking forward for the arrival of this special festive, I am looking forward for it to past as quickly as possible... Never in my life I appreciate Chinese New Year as any one in the world appreciating... Neither do I enjoy this festive like anyone else enjoying.

Chinese New Year always a torturing festive for me where I could not have the peace and quiet soul I used to enjoy. My emotions will go wild and disturbed, my days and nights will be hay wired. Most ironically, I will be secluded and forsaken in a place that not to be seen, not to be heard and not to be feel. This is a festive that I used to doubt on my existence. A festive that I used to hide my inner feelings the most. A festive with lots of lies to be told. A festive that I am not me with the fake mask, fake smile, fake expression...

Well, life is as such. Nothing is as perfect as one wants it. Who am I to blame? Who am I to ask for more? Who am I to voice my sorrows? Why so many who am I? Because, I am no one in this world but someone to Him.

I am here to give thank to my dearest Abba Father, who is the one and only one who survived me all these forsaken and unrecognised days! I do not need to be afraid since the day he brought me to this world for a reason.

I LOVE YOU THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

Looking back my posts, I was shocked that I haven't been blogging for the entire year 2011! Times really fly huh! In a blink of eyes, I have already completed with the course work of my Masters Degree programme, which indirectly telling me that, I am getting another year older... Sigh... Thinking back, coursework ain't that tough if I were to campare it to the forthcoming dissertation... It's gonna be real tough... Well, since I am just done with my exam merely four days ago, I seriously do think that I deserve a break. At least two weeks break, maybe?

Tried to access to some bloggers' posts and I was impressed by the travelling, food, books' blogs etc. they frequently updated but looking at my own blog... Well, "what a shame" is the only words I can utter... People are living their life to the blast and have their feet printed at every corner of the world while as me, just having an ordinary life here, working a job that no body appreciate and all my hard work are not recognised and appreciated. Just because I want to ensure the future that I hope for.

Paid a visit to my used-to-be-closed-friend's father's veterinary clinic to send my boy for skin allergy treatment. Spoken to her mom and we had a casual talk.. After understand my situation, she encouraged me to go further and get my work recognised. She gave me a very good piece of advise of what I should do next. Although I do have my commitment as well as my dream future, but why do I have to commit so much by now? Who do I committed for? Basically, nobody~ People have yet to be existed... I should be going out there to explore. The job that I am doing, won't even appreciated by anyone, even those you are sacrificing for. Yes, Auntie, although I do have my planned future that came to agreement, but, never my hard work and sacrifices are being appreciated. Thinking back, why do I have to pay so much effort to do things that people won't appreciate and why not I go out and take a risk to contribute to the field I am in? Why do I underestimate myself? There is nothing fair and square. I should be selfish a bit to think for myself. That is my future, very own future that no one will basically care for. The future that will be appreciated. The future that I live with my pride and dignity at least but not the current me, living to please others and to be a abductor or thief or robber or whatsoever.