My Third Day without Him

How was my third day, also the first day of CNY, without him would be like? No tear, no sadness, no hard feelings, nothing. He would be enjoying himself there without even really care how my day would be like. Well, maybe not even thinking at all.

Woke up early in the morning and got ready myself to visit my first Aunt in Batu Arang. It's

our routine to be there every first day of CNY. This is the only day I can meet many of my relatives that I hard to meet. This year, however, there were more members dropping by. Happy to see them. The most unexpected person to see was my cousin sister, Wendy. I haven't been talking to her for a long time even though we met sometimes for some family occasion. She brought over her second baby, Brayden. I didn't got a chance to play with him as he was such a spotlight and everyone was busy carrying and tickling him. I had a nice chat with my couzie, Connie, though. It's really hard for us to have such nice chat.

Later on, we went to visit the welfare home we used to visit yearly. This time, auntie and cousins joined us as well. It's nice to have so many of us to help up the people in need. Feeling good. ^^

To my surprise, Wendy was already at father's house when I reached there. And yes, the 8 months old baby Brayden was there!!! Ahah, I can play with him as much as I want now~ No one would fight with me to play with him ^^. He is such an adorable boy! He can get along well with anybody and he always wears his cute smile on his face. What a little baby pistachio!! The good time taking care of him somehow triggered me to proceed with my plan. ^^

Happy with the day!!!

p/s: I think I have put on weight already...

The Second Day without Him

Again, I survived another day without him by my side. Slowly, I'm getting used of it. Good or bad? Hard to say. Good in the sense of I at least can live on my own independently~ And it also implies that I can have my dream come true on my own without relying on any party^^ Bad in the sense of, the exclusion all these while has slowly draw me apart from committing so much into a relationship. Perhaps, it is really true that no one really appreciate. Might as well I make my name recognised? Maybe it is a better choice for now.

Entering the third day, but no problem for me. Last night was a different night compared to any other nights I have ever had. Someone I truly used to be so close to dropped by around 9pm and we stayed awake up till 5am in the morning and we had merely 4 hours of sleep before we hung up in a mall. Not a bad day, managed to get myself a dress. Initially, I didn't want to get anything new for this new year. No new clothes, no new shoes, no new hair style, no new look and basically, nothing new with the reason that I want to retain whatever good things I have in the past year. My everyday is to be appreciated, I do not want to change for what I really have faith in doing. Why change? However, as to reward my achievement in not tear dropping this time, I feel it is indeed a good accomplishment, I credited myself a new dress! At this very moment, all I believe is that the moment I believe in Him, I am rescued; the moment I let go the bond, I am comforted.

Tomorrow is going to be another great day! No doubt about it! If other can do this, why can't I? Going to have great time gather with my relatives and the feelings is way better than the feelings of forsaken and abandoned. Four years of suffering CNY I have had and this time, I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest! I deserve to be a happier person, I told myself.

The First Day without Him

Wow, Chinese New Year is getting nearer and nearer! Sadly, we do not have a chance to experience the moment we do some New Year shopping together. Starting by me rushing for my assignments, then two weeks of exam followed by he was away last week... I still could not feel how is the feelings of celebrating Chinese New Year together with him. And it is already the fifth CNY.

Excluded those days when we studied in University, this is the longest period we stay apart. We will have to stay apart for 6 continuous days! Wow, that's really long isn't it? But no problem, I can get through it. I got through the first day, so do the other five days.

How my first day without him would be like?? Not as bad as I thought although I do have some ill feelings on and off. But still I made it through the day!

Without me even noticing, the sun has already set. Thank God that I at least have my student to occupy my time so I don't feel the slow motion of the time tickling. My day so far can be considered fulfilling as I have been working, working and working.

It's only 8pm plus, another few hours before I hit my bed.. What would be the next thing I do? I wonder~

Spineless Jelly

Happy Chinese New Year?

Chinese New Year 2012

Finally, Chinese New Year 2012 is just around the corner... To be precise, it is just three days away!

While everyone is looking forward for the arrival of this special festive, I am looking forward for it to past as quickly as possible... Never in my life I appreciate Chinese New Year as any one in the world appreciating... Neither do I enjoy this festive like anyone else enjoying.

Chinese New Year always a torturing festive for me where I could not have the peace and quiet soul I used to enjoy. My emotions will go wild and disturbed, my days and nights will be hay wired. Most ironically, I will be secluded and forsaken in a place that not to be seen, not to be heard and not to be feel. This is a festive that I used to doubt on my existence. A festive that I used to hide my inner feelings the most. A festive with lots of lies to be told. A festive that I am not me with the fake mask, fake smile, fake expression...

Well, life is as such. Nothing is as perfect as one wants it. Who am I to blame? Who am I to ask for more? Who am I to voice my sorrows? Why so many who am I? Because, I am no one in this world but someone to Him.

I am here to give thank to my dearest Abba Father, who is the one and only one who survived me all these forsaken and unrecognised days! I do not need to be afraid since the day he brought me to this world for a reason.

I LOVE YOU THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

Looking back my posts, I was shocked that I haven't been blogging for the entire year 2011! Times really fly huh! In a blink of eyes, I have already completed with the course work of my Masters Degree programme, which indirectly telling me that, I am getting another year older... Sigh... Thinking back, coursework ain't that tough if I were to campare it to the forthcoming dissertation... It's gonna be real tough... Well, since I am just done with my exam merely four days ago, I seriously do think that I deserve a break. At least two weeks break, maybe?

Tried to access to some bloggers' posts and I was impressed by the travelling, food, books' blogs etc. they frequently updated but looking at my own blog... Well, "what a shame" is the only words I can utter... People are living their life to the blast and have their feet printed at every corner of the world while as me, just having an ordinary life here, working a job that no body appreciate and all my hard work are not recognised and appreciated. Just because I want to ensure the future that I hope for.

Paid a visit to my used-to-be-closed-friend's father's veterinary clinic to send my boy for skin allergy treatment. Spoken to her mom and we had a casual talk.. After understand my situation, she encouraged me to go further and get my work recognised. She gave me a very good piece of advise of what I should do next. Although I do have my commitment as well as my dream future, but why do I have to commit so much by now? Who do I committed for? Basically, nobody~ People have yet to be existed... I should be going out there to explore. The job that I am doing, won't even appreciated by anyone, even those you are sacrificing for. Yes, Auntie, although I do have my planned future that came to agreement, but, never my hard work and sacrifices are being appreciated. Thinking back, why do I have to pay so much effort to do things that people won't appreciate and why not I go out and take a risk to contribute to the field I am in? Why do I underestimate myself? There is nothing fair and square. I should be selfish a bit to think for myself. That is my future, very own future that no one will basically care for. The future that will be appreciated. The future that I live with my pride and dignity at least but not the current me, living to please others and to be a abductor or thief or robber or whatsoever.

20th November 2010

20th November 2010, it was the day where all my hard work for three years paid off. Recalling the three years of life where everyone was trying to survive themselves, regardless genders and religious, helping hand can be seen everywhere, anytime. I instantly felt the sourness on my nose. That day was my

Degree Convocation!!!

Around 12.30pm, my parents sent Amy (my buddy throughout my Uni life) and I to UNiSEL which was already crowded with people. Both of us then registered ourselves at the graduate counter. That was the place where all the graduates gathered before entering the hall.

Walking heavily with palpitating heart, there was nothing much appeared on my mind but not to embarrass myself in public. That was my only wish. When my name was called, I was not aware how did I head to the Pro-Chancellor, I could not remember how did I bow and I could hardly remember anything until I walked myself back to my seat. Till then, I was awaken and thank God for the smooth ceremony. Joyous smile appeared~ ^^

Exiting the hall...

Class photo...

Amy and I

The biggest joy was the photography session when everyone share my joyful moment. Again, a very big appreciation to my parents for their support, thank to all of my lecturers for the valuable knowledge given, thank you all of my classmates for being with me for the past three years, thank you Miss Amy for the moments of being together and last but never the least, my beloved Dear for his undrained support and love all the while. Thank you my dear for being there with me regardless when I was in all sorts of mood. I love you!

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MY DEAR AND I

I'm back!

Wow, it has been real long ever since my last post! I miss my blog really as it is my only way to express my feelings and thought when the world shuts its ears and eyes on me. Some how, the burdens and sorrows will never fail to lead me into this small yet unique chamber in order for me to vomit out my dissatisfaction.

I do not know what stimulated me in writing this post today but some how I have started it so might as well to record whatever feelings that hidden beneath me now. How am I supposed to describe my feelings today? My heart is as heavy as stones! Why?? Unsure... Most probably it is due to things happening these few days... Many things have been happening in my life and I self noticed that I am not a good person: I'm not a good Christian, I'm not a good daughter for my parents, I am not a good sister for my both brothers, I am not a good cousin, I am not a good friend, I am not a good girl friend, I am not a good lover, I am not a good whatever you can list... What made me this me? Yea, my past. I take myself as a community invaluable rubbish. Year after year, time past and yet i'm still valueless...

In a blink of eyes, I've finished with my practical in SMK Ideal Heights for almost two months. In such, it too means that I've done with everything in UNISEL. Thank's to UNISEL in giving me such an opportunity in training me as an educator. Many complains made wherever one study of course, even one is put into the world best university but one thing will never die: complaint. Of course, within the three years of study in UNISEL, I made more than 'some' complains too! But today, I think back what a friend of mine said: "UNISEL takes in all the rubbish!" I was saddened when I first heard that. Yes, UNISEL took in rubbish! I do have to agree that! BUT UNISEL made these pieces of rubbish into - NOT GOLD YET OF COURSE but something valuable and contributing! It safes those barely surviving which rejected by local universities and provide them a chance in contributing to the country. And, I am one of them! Thank's to UNISEL for unconditioned nurturing! Even though it gave me another heart attack before I graduate! But it is challenging!!!

Currently, teaching isn't obstruct me that much~ A non stop teaching made me go stronger and my experience go wider. I never regret to sacrifice my holiday in teaching. What I am sad of is I failed to provide someone special in my heart the life he wanted. Sorry for the failure in a

Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Without I realising it, I am already in the 11th week of this semester which burden not only me but my group members. It comes a saying which is appearing on my mind now: Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. See, I am still surviving here with the support of people around me.

It was three weeks back, two major presentation to be presented in a day has suffocated my group so much... This week, another two burden micro teaching fell on our shoulder again. One was badly commented and in fact, never in my entire life I can predict what is in my this lecturer's head... I don't feel sad of the mark given but disappointed for whatever she has done and said. Thank's to my very cooperative group members to make me still standing strong here. On the other hand, the second micro teaching was a big success for us though we did not score full mark. However, proud to say that all our hard work paid off. Thank's to all my group members for never give up in this tough lesson plan and willing to sacrificed endless time and effort for making this success happened. Also, this presentation has given so much fun to our classmates as well. I am so touch of the cooperation along the way.

Another two more major presentation next week. Again, the spirit of "Hold-On" is still there.

Group members, let's work out together for the final two main obstacles! Cheers~

Expect the worst and hope for the best!

No Lust, No Sorrow

A piece of advice is easy to utter for those who are in need but it often inapplicable for myself for the similar situation. Seeing close ones around me getting stranger from time to time but me, still standing still here not willing to move forward...

Human are often controlled by lust... The more you feel like owning one thing, the more you will being hurt. No lust, no sorrow. How long do i really need to understand this simple concept? Knowing that it is time to make a turning in life, yet still insist of remain on the same old track...

Life, can be so simple if you live with the right people and thing around you. But, when people and things turn to be otherwise, you will realise how cruel life can be. However, be contented with what you have.

Words of wisdom:
Being contented and grateful for what you have is an important aspect of positive thinking. Thinking about what you don't have will only make you worry and lead you to be more dissatisfied with life. Focus on the positive in life. When you are contented, you are also motivated to achieve your dream.

Tinnie

It has been approximately 50 days since I lost my 1st pet dog - Leissie. Sadly, I'm not ready to rare a pup anymore. They sometime can be not so eye catching but when you relise that there will be no chance in meeting them again in your life, you will have no faith to adopt another one. This goes the same to me, no matter how much I want to keep a pet dig again, I just have no faith to provide them the best I can afford... It goes the same in life as well, your fortune can just slip out your finger without you realising it.

However, there is no U-turn for whatever had happened. So what can I do is to proceed my life. Instead of glancing at Leissie's pictures pasted on my door and thinking how is her new life, I have decided to get myself a new company and I have adopted Tinnie, pronounced as /ˈtaɪ.ni/, a female Sugar Glider.

She is coated with smooth dark brown fur with long stripe from her head to the end of her body. She is small in everything, her face is small, her teeth is small, her jaw is small, everything is small.

I have lots of fun spending time with her especially when I scared the most of her claws! It is hairless and when she has contact with you, the feeling is so inexpressible! I will not forget there was an four legged fury creature attached onto my face when she was flying from my relative to me! i was horrified!

This little creature too has her own temper! She will not allow anyone to disturb her when she is having her great time in her dreamland! But the most unfair thing is - SHE CAN DISTURB YOUR SLEEP WHENEVER SHE WANTS TO! Well, who says there is fair and square in life, is there?

A very new experience in adopting a Sugar Glider. Don't know what I will explore later on after getting along well with her. Just can't wait to befriend her.

PS: Sugar Gliders are nocturnal. They are active late in the evening and early in the morning. The best time of my sleeping time! And they are so timid and often crabbing when they feel threaten! Cute one!