Happy Chinese New Year?

Chinese New Year 2012

Finally, Chinese New Year 2012 is just around the corner... To be precise, it is just three days away!

While everyone is looking forward for the arrival of this special festive, I am looking forward for it to past as quickly as possible... Never in my life I appreciate Chinese New Year as any one in the world appreciating... Neither do I enjoy this festive like anyone else enjoying.

Chinese New Year always a torturing festive for me where I could not have the peace and quiet soul I used to enjoy. My emotions will go wild and disturbed, my days and nights will be hay wired. Most ironically, I will be secluded and forsaken in a place that not to be seen, not to be heard and not to be feel. This is a festive that I used to doubt on my existence. A festive that I used to hide my inner feelings the most. A festive with lots of lies to be told. A festive that I am not me with the fake mask, fake smile, fake expression...

Well, life is as such. Nothing is as perfect as one wants it. Who am I to blame? Who am I to ask for more? Who am I to voice my sorrows? Why so many who am I? Because, I am no one in this world but someone to Him.

I am here to give thank to my dearest Abba Father, who is the one and only one who survived me all these forsaken and unrecognised days! I do not need to be afraid since the day he brought me to this world for a reason.

I LOVE YOU THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

Looking back my posts, I was shocked that I haven't been blogging for the entire year 2011! Times really fly huh! In a blink of eyes, I have already completed with the course work of my Masters Degree programme, which indirectly telling me that, I am getting another year older... Sigh... Thinking back, coursework ain't that tough if I were to campare it to the forthcoming dissertation... It's gonna be real tough... Well, since I am just done with my exam merely four days ago, I seriously do think that I deserve a break. At least two weeks break, maybe?

Tried to access to some bloggers' posts and I was impressed by the travelling, food, books' blogs etc. they frequently updated but looking at my own blog... Well, "what a shame" is the only words I can utter... People are living their life to the blast and have their feet printed at every corner of the world while as me, just having an ordinary life here, working a job that no body appreciate and all my hard work are not recognised and appreciated. Just because I want to ensure the future that I hope for.

Paid a visit to my used-to-be-closed-friend's father's veterinary clinic to send my boy for skin allergy treatment. Spoken to her mom and we had a casual talk.. After understand my situation, she encouraged me to go further and get my work recognised. She gave me a very good piece of advise of what I should do next. Although I do have my commitment as well as my dream future, but why do I have to commit so much by now? Who do I committed for? Basically, nobody~ People have yet to be existed... I should be going out there to explore. The job that I am doing, won't even appreciated by anyone, even those you are sacrificing for. Yes, Auntie, although I do have my planned future that came to agreement, but, never my hard work and sacrifices are being appreciated. Thinking back, why do I have to pay so much effort to do things that people won't appreciate and why not I go out and take a risk to contribute to the field I am in? Why do I underestimate myself? There is nothing fair and square. I should be selfish a bit to think for myself. That is my future, very own future that no one will basically care for. The future that will be appreciated. The future that I live with my pride and dignity at least but not the current me, living to please others and to be a abductor or thief or robber or whatsoever.

20th November 2010

20th November 2010, it was the day where all my hard work for three years paid off. Recalling the three years of life where everyone was trying to survive themselves, regardless genders and religious, helping hand can be seen everywhere, anytime. I instantly felt the sourness on my nose. That day was my

Degree Convocation!!!

Around 12.30pm, my parents sent Amy (my buddy throughout my Uni life) and I to UNiSEL which was already crowded with people. Both of us then registered ourselves at the graduate counter. That was the place where all the graduates gathered before entering the hall.

Walking heavily with palpitating heart, there was nothing much appeared on my mind but not to embarrass myself in public. That was my only wish. When my name was called, I was not aware how did I head to the Pro-Chancellor, I could not remember how did I bow and I could hardly remember anything until I walked myself back to my seat. Till then, I was awaken and thank God for the smooth ceremony. Joyous smile appeared~ ^^

Exiting the hall...

Class photo...

Amy and I

The biggest joy was the photography session when everyone share my joyful moment. Again, a very big appreciation to my parents for their support, thank to all of my lecturers for the valuable knowledge given, thank you all of my classmates for being with me for the past three years, thank you Miss Amy for the moments of being together and last but never the least, my beloved Dear for his undrained support and love all the while. Thank you my dear for being there with me regardless when I was in all sorts of mood. I love you!

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MY DEAR AND I

I'm back!

Wow, it has been real long ever since my last post! I miss my blog really as it is my only way to express my feelings and thought when the world shuts its ears and eyes on me. Some how, the burdens and sorrows will never fail to lead me into this small yet unique chamber in order for me to vomit out my dissatisfaction.

I do not know what stimulated me in writing this post today but some how I have started it so might as well to record whatever feelings that hidden beneath me now. How am I supposed to describe my feelings today? My heart is as heavy as stones! Why?? Unsure... Most probably it is due to things happening these few days... Many things have been happening in my life and I self noticed that I am not a good person: I'm not a good Christian, I'm not a good daughter for my parents, I am not a good sister for my both brothers, I am not a good cousin, I am not a good friend, I am not a good girl friend, I am not a good lover, I am not a good whatever you can list... What made me this me? Yea, my past. I take myself as a community invaluable rubbish. Year after year, time past and yet i'm still valueless...

In a blink of eyes, I've finished with my practical in SMK Ideal Heights for almost two months. In such, it too means that I've done with everything in UNISEL. Thank's to UNISEL in giving me such an opportunity in training me as an educator. Many complains made wherever one study of course, even one is put into the world best university but one thing will never die: complaint. Of course, within the three years of study in UNISEL, I made more than 'some' complains too! But today, I think back what a friend of mine said: "UNISEL takes in all the rubbish!" I was saddened when I first heard that. Yes, UNISEL took in rubbish! I do have to agree that! BUT UNISEL made these pieces of rubbish into - NOT GOLD YET OF COURSE but something valuable and contributing! It safes those barely surviving which rejected by local universities and provide them a chance in contributing to the country. And, I am one of them! Thank's to UNISEL for unconditioned nurturing! Even though it gave me another heart attack before I graduate! But it is challenging!!!

Currently, teaching isn't obstruct me that much~ A non stop teaching made me go stronger and my experience go wider. I never regret to sacrifice my holiday in teaching. What I am sad of is I failed to provide someone special in my heart the life he wanted. Sorry for the failure in a

Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Without I realising it, I am already in the 11th week of this semester which burden not only me but my group members. It comes a saying which is appearing on my mind now: Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. See, I am still surviving here with the support of people around me.

It was three weeks back, two major presentation to be presented in a day has suffocated my group so much... This week, another two burden micro teaching fell on our shoulder again. One was badly commented and in fact, never in my entire life I can predict what is in my this lecturer's head... I don't feel sad of the mark given but disappointed for whatever she has done and said. Thank's to my very cooperative group members to make me still standing strong here. On the other hand, the second micro teaching was a big success for us though we did not score full mark. However, proud to say that all our hard work paid off. Thank's to all my group members for never give up in this tough lesson plan and willing to sacrificed endless time and effort for making this success happened. Also, this presentation has given so much fun to our classmates as well. I am so touch of the cooperation along the way.

Another two more major presentation next week. Again, the spirit of "Hold-On" is still there.

Group members, let's work out together for the final two main obstacles! Cheers~

Expect the worst and hope for the best!

No Lust, No Sorrow

A piece of advice is easy to utter for those who are in need but it often inapplicable for myself for the similar situation. Seeing close ones around me getting stranger from time to time but me, still standing still here not willing to move forward...

Human are often controlled by lust... The more you feel like owning one thing, the more you will being hurt. No lust, no sorrow. How long do i really need to understand this simple concept? Knowing that it is time to make a turning in life, yet still insist of remain on the same old track...

Life, can be so simple if you live with the right people and thing around you. But, when people and things turn to be otherwise, you will realise how cruel life can be. However, be contented with what you have.

Words of wisdom:
Being contented and grateful for what you have is an important aspect of positive thinking. Thinking about what you don't have will only make you worry and lead you to be more dissatisfied with life. Focus on the positive in life. When you are contented, you are also motivated to achieve your dream.

Tinnie

It has been approximately 50 days since I lost my 1st pet dog - Leissie. Sadly, I'm not ready to rare a pup anymore. They sometime can be not so eye catching but when you relise that there will be no chance in meeting them again in your life, you will have no faith to adopt another one. This goes the same to me, no matter how much I want to keep a pet dig again, I just have no faith to provide them the best I can afford... It goes the same in life as well, your fortune can just slip out your finger without you realising it.

However, there is no U-turn for whatever had happened. So what can I do is to proceed my life. Instead of glancing at Leissie's pictures pasted on my door and thinking how is her new life, I have decided to get myself a new company and I have adopted Tinnie, pronounced as /ˈtaɪ.ni/, a female Sugar Glider.

She is coated with smooth dark brown fur with long stripe from her head to the end of her body. She is small in everything, her face is small, her teeth is small, her jaw is small, everything is small.

I have lots of fun spending time with her especially when I scared the most of her claws! It is hairless and when she has contact with you, the feeling is so inexpressible! I will not forget there was an four legged fury creature attached onto my face when she was flying from my relative to me! i was horrified!

This little creature too has her own temper! She will not allow anyone to disturb her when she is having her great time in her dreamland! But the most unfair thing is - SHE CAN DISTURB YOUR SLEEP WHENEVER SHE WANTS TO! Well, who says there is fair and square in life, is there?

A very new experience in adopting a Sugar Glider. Don't know what I will explore later on after getting along well with her. Just can't wait to befriend her.

PS: Sugar Gliders are nocturnal. They are active late in the evening and early in the morning. The best time of my sleeping time! And they are so timid and often crabbing when they feel threaten! Cute one!

HOPING TO SEE YOU AGAIN

DOWN..
I am DOWN..
I am so DOWN..
I am so damn the down..

"What made me so down?" must be linger around your mind...
My pet dog gone missing!
Everyone in the family trying their best in finding her but we failed..
She leave us no trace to find her...
She must be angry of me bring ignorant all these wile...
I feel so bad that I was not aware when she left the house...
In fact, no one knows!
It is 6am in the morning and heavy rain pouring down outside...
Although we have been tying hard to find her,
but she just doesn't appear at all...
Where is she? Is she taken by good-hearted one and well protected under a shelter?
I seriously hope so...
It is cold outside, I can even feel the chill in my room...
My room temperature is no way near outside one...
She must be shivering with cold and thrill without us being with her..
She must be wondering why didn't we find her...
But we really run out of idea where she will be...

Leissie, please come home!
I promise you that I will not neglect you anymore.
I will walk you daily..
I will play with you often..
I will provide you happiness that you've yearn for...
I will provide you the best!

I am so clueless where will she be..
I hope she will come back to me soon..
She will, provided no one block her way!

Her birthday is coming soon...
Will I have a chance to celebrate her 5th Birthday for her?
I hope I'll be credited a chance...
I hope God don't turn HIS deaf ear and cold back to me...

HOPING TO SEE YOU AGAIN~

A Bad Apology Is Worse Than No Apology

It is one of the impressing chapter I'd read in The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. In that particular chapter, he said there is no pass or fail. What comes into consideration is our faithfulness in apologizing. If we don't mean to apology with all our heart, might as well we don't apologize~ Right? It makes the recipients feel insulting. I totally agree with his saying. Personally I have experience the halfhearted apologize which is so irritating. According to Randy, he said if we've done something wrong in dealing with someone we know, parents, siblings, relatives, friends or even our boyfriend/girfriend or even our spouse, it's as if there is an infection in the relationship. In this case, a good apology can act as antibiotic that can cure the wound, although it's not an immediate effect, at least slowly it heals. On the other hand, a bad apology is equavalet to rubbing salt in the wound, the burning sensation can cause tears! It hurts! If we have no heart to apologize to someone, it is always better to not offering antibiotic rather than scattering salt in the wound.

We are all human, we do make mistakes unconsciously. Others would not blame us for our unintentional mistakes I believe but the way we choose to apologize does make a huge difference whether in worsen somene's wound or vice versa. According to Randy, there are good apologize and bad apologize. Let's have a look with the bad ones first.

There are two classic bad apologies:
1. "I'm sorry you feel hurt by what I've done."
(This is a attempt at an emotional slave, but it's onvious you don't want to put any medicine in the woud.) It is like: Ops, I'm sorry for what I've done but I can't help it too... LOL, in this situation, silence is gold, it is better to get the mouth sealed.

2. "I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you've done."
(Is that giving or asking for apologize??) It is like when you caught of an affair, you tell your husband/wife: I'm sorry for betraying you but you too have to apologize as you don't satisfy my sexual urge... LOL, what the hell??

Here comes the proper apologies:
1. What I did was wrong. - At least you are finding ways to solve the problem caused.

2. I feel bad that I hurt you. - At least you feel guilty and looking for some solutions.

3. How do I make this better? - At least you try to listen to others' needs

Perhaps you might encounter some problem where people might take advantage of you when answering your question but I too believe most of them will be genuinely appreciate your effort made.

So, the next time when you apologize, think carefully are you sincerely mean that? If so, choose a better way in apologizing. Even the way in thanking others too the same consept will be applied. When you thank someone in accompanying you in doing something, are you sincerely mean that? Or it is just a way to keep your friend from accompanying you the next time? Be aware, your friends are human being, whether your gratitude or apologize sincere, he or she can make out for sure. Unless you own a dummy friend~

Treat your friend in the way that you want them to treat you. Selfish cause you no benifits.

Finally here comes the semester break again

All these while I hated the semester break the most as I know I'll be abandon and neglected again. The most heart breaking part is I was always unwelcome to to a place that I thought I could find my happiness and will make me to the whole. Sometime things just go otherwise as what I've thought but sadly, I have no power in changing anything. So in this semester, I'm going to be myself. To do something that I can, perhaps finding some ways in fulfilling myself. Though this is not the things that my heart told me to do, not the things that my heart willingly to do, but what would be the better choice when someone is not into you? Right? I still have to face the remaining days ahead me. Overall, I think I am just like one of the spices in someone's life, just to be there for complement, to improve the taste of dishes.

Today is a new day to me, a day that I will be with only myself in completing every tasks in daily life~ Well, what can I do? My first day of holiday, I'm going to get my room tidied! I haven't been coming home that frequent ever since semester 5 started... What a tiring and pressure killing semester! No joke! It is not a problem that nobody is giving me comfort and secure. I'm here giving myself an opportunity in offering myself one. To make me feel confortable, I do need my racks of books to be arrange, tons of blankets, bedsheet, pillow and booster cases to be changed, get my laundry done, and of course, the sweeping and mopping! And, I'll have to finish "My Last Lecture"! It is an amazing book! I kind of like the determination of the author! Things planned can be completed within half a day... What to do for the remaining hours??

What can I do next? Sigh, I have no idea... Why? Perhaps my heart is just not into it... Am I really aim to fulfilling my life? Or I'm just finding an excuse for myself in covering my loneliness? Am I missing my days during the semester? What do I want? I am confused and again, I am lost...